20.1 C
Niagara Falls
Saturday, September 23, 2023
Satire: Town baffled by influx of visitors with medical issues that prevent face masks

Since passing a well-meaning but unenforceable face mask bylaw, the Town of Niagara-on-the-Lake has been astonished at the number of visitors who have medical issues that prevent them from wearing masks.

“I just don't understand,” said the Lord Mayor of All of NOTL. “Numbers are showing upwards of 99 per cent of people have suddenly developed severe respiratory problems.”

David and Karen Johnson, unmasked Toronto residents who were in a shop buying an ice cream cone on NOTL's historic Queen Street after circling for an hour to find parking, both refused to comment on the nature of their respiratory illnesses, noting it's their “right” to not answer questions from the “fake news media.”

David added he's watched several YouTube videos that informed him masks don't actually do anything to prevent the spread of viruses anyway and that the COVID-19 pandemic is “just a liberal hoax.”

Another couple, Linda and Max Sharton, who claimed to have “like, medical issues and stuff” said it was nice to not be questioned by store owners when they explained they couldn't physically wear a mask.

Linda said she does wear a mask “sometimes” but that the minor inconvience is simply too much for her.

“I wear my mask when I go to the seniors home to see my father and at work because it's mandatory,” Linda said. “But when I come down to NOTL I just want to be able to breathe freely. So it's nice that I can do that here.”

The lord mayor said she trusts people who say they can't wear a mask for medical reasons, noting that all they have to do is say so and the mask bylaw becomes mute, “end of discussion.”

Still, the mayor says it's puzzling that the numbers of people who say they can't wear masks conflicts directly with numerous scientific bodies that have stated the majority of people should have no issues wearing one.

“There's obviously been a big oversight,” the mayor said of the scientific data, clarifying that it could not have been council's toothless bylaw, but rather that scientists around the world must have made a mistake.

“Why would somebody lie just because they don't want to wear a mask?”

Meanwhile, business owners in town are “overjoyed” that they've had to put up meaningless signage that says masks are “sort of but not really” mandatory.


Subscribe to our mailing list